This year, I’ve made it one of my personal goals to be healthy. Being healthy includes, but is not limited to:

1. Taking a multi-vitamin daily.
2. Eating right.*
3. Committing to AT LEAST two visits to the gym/week.
4. Walking my dog as often as my time permits me.
5. Maintaining a positive spirit.
6. Continuing to surround myself with only those that inspire me.
7. Cutting back considerably on the consumption of alcohol & beer.

The most amusing part about taking a multi-vitamin is that it turns your pee this crazy bright neon-yellow color.. Pretty cool if you ask me. I feel like I truly do piss excellence!

*So when I say “eating right,” this is coming from a dietitian’s perspective. There are so many clueless people out there that think they know what “eating healthy” is, when most of the time the stuff they’re eating is crap. It may look or sound good for you, but truly isn’t. I’m talkin’ no preservatives, no trans fats, lean meats, salmon (for omega-3 FA’s), healthy fats, whole grains, low sodium, complex carbohydrates, plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, etc. Pretty much, I highly would prefer to eat things that don’t come out of a box or any other sort of packaging.The list goes on and on. It is of utmost importance to me to practice what I preach. I can’t just be a Nutrition major and not eat healthy. That ain’t right!

Another part about reaching Goal #2 implies dropping some weight. As long as I’m eating right, the weight loss should come naturally and will be gradual. With the addition of exercise, the weight should drop even faster. Then, once I reach my ideal weight, I’ll just have to maintain. There are three direct driving forces behind shedding some pounds:

1. Personal satisfaction with my image
2. Vegas in February
3. MY MOM IS GIVING ME $500 IF I DROP 15 LBS!

Need I repeat? I mean I put it in GD capitals! I GET SKRILLA! I never thought my mom would come up with such a fucking fantastic idea! She already knows I want to lose weight, so regardless if there’s money involved, I’m gonna make it my personal mission to get there. I actually want to lose more than 15 lbs in the long-run, so it’s allllllll gravy baby. Hell yeah.

HELL. YEAH. !!1!1!1!##@!~!~@!

I need all the support I can get so I can go on my shopping spree. Victory is so close, I can feel it! I can taste it!

Cheers to looking ridiculously sexy! Make room, skinny bitches!!

So here I am, itching to transcribe my innermost thoughts and feelings into typed script. I’m not too positive if this is wise of me. I really don’t know if I should. But I can. And I will. It’s about time I started blogging again.

I’m typing this here because it’s more appropriate. I was starting up a Facebook note, but realized it wasn’t such a great idea. I don’t want everyone and their mama knowing how I feel. Those that matter might come across this and take their time to read all about me.. but this really isn’t about that. It’s about giving myself the opportunity to say what I want to say without any interruptions.

Today, I learned that I can still be a vulnerable person. I came to realize that I care about certain things, when I very much so thought otherwise. I believed these “things” to be the dirt on my shoulders that was in serious need of being dusted off. Yeah, I sure did dust it all off. The worst part is coming to find that the cleaning up isn’t over yet.. That dust is still in a pan, and that pan still needs to be emptied into the trash. Whether I like it or not, that shit is still gonna be there, waiting for me to rid myself of it. And so, the process of emptying begins..

I’ll put it out there: I have this hard outer shell to me.. Kind of like the Koopa shells you’ve seen in Mario. I’ve allowed it to grow tougher these past couple of years. I continue to build onto this shell with each and every guy that finds his way into my life. It used to be that weak ass green shell like in the original Mario Bros. on NES that you can just jump right on top of and crush. By now, it’s like that ominous blue shell with the spikes on it from MarioKart that blasts all the mothafuckas out the way, especially the one in first place. I know you know what I’m talking about. Anywho, there are good and bad things that come along with this armor. I can be the biggest dick towards someone if they cross me the wrong way. I find it easier and easier for me to oust others out of my life who don’t inspire me and hold my close friends even closer. I know my worth and I know what type of people are worth my time. The good part is that it’s kept me from settling for just anyone, and likewise it has prevented me from surrounding myself with toxic friends. Nevertheless, behind this wall I put up, there is this strong woman dying to be Loved by someone special. Crying out for the warmth and security that comes with being in a steady relationship. Those who know me know I have the biggest heart. I am very capable of Love. At times I pretend I’m not, just to shield myself from the possibilities of getting burned. It’s a lot more simple to just not feel anything sometimes. I promised myself that if there were to be someone in my life, that he’d have to be nothing short of amazing. Call it high standards, but it is what it is. I don’t want to Love and have it all taken away from me. It’s damn painful. Too painful. Personally, I find it to be one of the deepest pains to overcome. We’ve all been there. Yet at the same time, it’s very much worth the risk. Incubus said it first — without Love we all won’t survive. It’s what keeps us sane, keeps us motivated, gives us the driving force to continue on with ourselves.

The whole purpose of mentioning the aforementioned was to mention that I’m human. Did I mention that I have fears? Many actually. If I didn’t mention it, I wanted to mention that I have a lot of pride as well. I should mention that these things just can’t be cured overnight. I’m just like everyone else out there — I don’t want to get hurt. Now you know why I can be such a bitch sometimes.

We know a few things thus far: I’m capable of Love, but also very selective. Yet, the fearfulness and pridefulness doesn’t stop there. It disallows me to tell others how I feel at times.

There are certain things I want to express to certain people but am too afraid to. Yeah, I can be a pussy. So what? Why trust that it’s okay to tell someone how you feel, when one day they might just up and leave out of your life? One day, out of the blue, they might just stop talking to you for one reason or another. It’s happened to me. These people may even promise to always be there, but not even that is certain. My mom has always told me that nothing in life is certain. Everyday, I am reminded of this. I was left with so much I wanted to say. I’m still left with these feelings and thoughts that I dare not lend a whisper to for fear that it all doesn’t own much importance anymore. I still feel. I genuinely miss certain people that have stepped away from my world.. I’ve tried looking at it optimistically from so many different point-of-views, making excuses as to why it may have been a good thing. And I was reminded today that I’m still deeply hurting from it. As much as I play it off like I don’t give a fuck, I’m still paining over it. I want to reach out and speak. I want to say it all and tell it like it is.. but I just can’t. I won’t allow myself to. I’ll just shut the fuck up so it’s easier for not just me, but you. And will I penalize all of those who come after by not ever truly disclosing my feelings? Hell yes. That’s just the way it is. It’s gotta be. For now at least.

Time heals all.